Wake Up Sid

Dear Sid:

Sid is neither your full name nor your pet name. You were named Siddhartha, by your mother and me, after the enlightened Siddhartha Gautama Buddha.  You are fondly called Shastri by your friends, which is fine with us too. In any case there a sage-like quality associated with it.

In this note however, I am going to call you Sid for some similarities in the character that played Siddhartha (named Sid for short) in the movie Wake up Sid which I saw a couple of years ago. (I sometimes wonder if the scriptwriter had picked up the theme watching our family). Both Sids love photography - both share a circle of good and caring friends – both display an infinite human potential for excellence but are both hazy about their respective future, their role in it, and the true meaning of a meaningful life!  The only difference being: the Sid in the film does find a girlfriend who loves him for who he is; which I am sure, you too shall, at the right point of time in your life.

And here is my plea to you my dear son: Wake up Sid! And the time is now!

I was young once and I understand the fascination of finding meaning in a “Cause” at that youthful age. I recall the heady days of my youth when Marx was my best friend; I developed a rabid distaste for the “System”; found energy in words that fueled heated debates and expended that energy using lathi on the playgrounds where someone taught us the words of Mr. Savarkar; some of my nearest friends even got arrested and hit the jails during the days of Emergency in 1976-78.

But today neither have my friends lasted nor the words nor the lathi.

However, this was also the time I developed the taste for reading books of every kind, and, developing an ‘alternate view’ to look at anything – an ideology, a political party, social work organization – just anything. It is important to know what is ‘on the other hand’ to get and size up a reality. This ‘other view’ gives you a skeptical tolerant view of life that you do not completely comprehend just now.

It also gives you a balance of seeing the total truth of any situation. Do you recall the times of 2002 in Gujarath when people regarded the ‘majority frenzy’ as a revolution, and later on subsequently when Raj Thakarey was the best thing that happened to Marathi people since the non-Marathi were removed and isolated?  

Often the ‘other view’ is also the ‘other face’ of a political party. Remember the political party that decries the ‘unabated corruption’ and shedding crocodile tears on the corruption menace; but had no qualms in the past about preferential allotment of Petrol pumps?!!!!

However the truth is, that, although each political party professes a different ideology the glue that binds the clan is unabashed corruption.  All political parties are united to support Anna Hazare’s ideals and also united to stall the passing of the Lokpal bill or the bill related to transparency in managing sports activities.

I know that corruption is going to stay in India like menacing weeds inextricably attached to ‘growth’. Nobody has got that ruthlessness to remove these weeds from the roots.

We are in search of a party whose cementing material is “service to society”. But that is indeed a truly utopian dream.

If not by the way of politics, I can then understand your need to want to serve the society by joining an NGO. But remember, the NGOs too have an ‘other view’ and ‘other face’. Recall the book by Anil Shidore that reiterates his experiences at Oxfam - replete with the stories of corruption? 

I am not dissuading your from doing anything you like but begging of you to develop that ‘other view’ before you plunge into anything you do. I have no problem with you wanting to serve the society in whichever way you like. All I ask of you is to scrutinize the path that you choose before you set your foot on it.  This is an attempt to provoke you to think objectively rather than being swept away by the emotion of the ideology. Emotion is good but only in a ‘reasonable’ measure. Temper it with rational thought.

You are young and therefore vulnerable to emotional manipulation of every kind. Especially of those social workers who tell you to disobey your parents because you are now adults. Are you really an adult my son?  Are you?

I am not against dreaming. In fact dreams are the fuel of your future.  But I am against you serving someone else’s dream. At least let your dreams be your own. And you will not dream fantastic dreams unless you acquire a reasonable degree of mastery in something you love doing. It pains me to see young, smart and intelligent youngsters move away from the mainstream to go off to collect data for someone else’s projects and find themselves disillusioned after a couple decades in this quest.

You have yourself witnessed how some tender aged youth get slaughtered in this process or tend towards suicide.  In fact, some of these cases are our acquaintances.  Remember the case of a talented writer who spent the sizable time of his life working as an editor of a mouthpiece of a religious party in Assam who was later unable to gather money, reputation or a decent girl to marry? Or that of an IAS officer who gave up his life for a ‘cause’ that has evaporated in the process?  How many cases should I remind you which you already know?

I am not saying this to de-motivate you or anyone. All I am saying is follow your own compass that is dictated by your likes, dislikes, competencies and capabilities.

If photography is what you love, which I know you do, go get the best education for it, be recognized as one of the finest of artists in that world. You have tremendous sense of how to frame an image, how to make a portrait, how to photograph Nature! Pursue journalism or wild-life photography, or Television, anything where this talent is relevant.  Don’t think of one of 5,00,000 appearing for the tests for entrance to these  fields. Think of the 50 that get selected. Go for the best and do the best. I am confident you CAN! I have more faith in you than you have in yourself.

If you want to serve the society there are several models to do it. First get a great education, the best in the field of your liking. Then make the money you need to have to be able to pursue your dream. Who says earning money is a crime? My son, there is nothing wrong with making money. There is something wrong in keeping all of it to yourself. Who is stopping you from earning Rs. 1000 Cr? Donate Rs. 999 Cr. And keep balance Rs. 1 Cr for your life expenses. All I ask of you is to have enough to keep you independent to make that choice of the social work of your liking dictated by your conscience.

Then go and pursue the service of society. If your skill helps you use it in its service, well and good. If not, you can always learn it along the way. Perhaps that way you will have a great network of contacts and friends who will help you achieve what you want in social work. 

Wake Up Sid!

Hope you do not blame your mother and me for this excessive indulgent interest and concern for wellbeing. And, we also hope you do not treat this as bullying. All we are trying to do is to make you see the Life’s reality as we have had the advantage of seeing and make you see the ‘other side’ of all things.

Please I plead you to see this as a genuine desire to see you succeed in whatever it is that you decide to do. Materially we do not expect anything from you. But would you blame us if we do not want our baby to fall a prey to foxes who exploit the innocent and the uninitiated into the world of foolery where in the name of ‘serving the nation’ they are sucking your juices to the bone?  This is not to say that all NGOs are like these, but be watchful and vigilant to what you choose. 

We are aware that we are merely the bows that may give you a direction, strength and a destination; but the arrow is you. You have to decide. You have to act. You have to pierce the target.

With all our love and concerns and blessings we stand behind you in unison.

Wake up Sid.

All of you Sids in this world –

WAKE UP!

Your father,

Milind

Bird’s Eye View

[I hate getting established in behavior, in personality, in thoughts and generally in life. It kills you. One day in 2002 I unexpectedly realized that I have already become an established person. To overcome the guilt and anger I felt about self, I wrote this article. This article got published and after reading it, one fellow, with a devotee’s expression, asked me, “Prabhune, have you had such experience in your actual real life?” I remembered one incident about how tears accumulated in one of our greatest Marathi Drama writer Mr. Mukund Taksale’s  eyes when he saw women crying in one of his play ‘Melo Melo Melo Drama’. I hope that at least you will not ask that question]

Suddenly I woke up. It was only 4.00 a.m. This was absurd. Usually my sleep is so deep that nothing can wake me up.

I was flying in the air. That much I remembered. Then I realized that I had a dream. A full lengthy and absurd sequence of events, which I do not remember now, was happening and I was observing these from the air. Now I was fully awake. Everything was very calm and quiet. My wife was sleeping. I woke her up and tried to tell her about my dream. It was of no use. She urged me to sleep again. Somewhere a dog was barking. What should I do? I again thought of flying in the air.

I slipped from the window and jumped. And hoooo !!! I really shot up in the air, maneuvering my every move so that I can go to any direction I wished. I know, you may be, by now, laughing at me. But I am serious. I flew over the whole city till sunrise. The experience was ecstatic and very thrilling. I would like to share that beautiful experience with you. But that is not the point at the moment. The important thing is that suddenly I came to know that I could fly at any moment as per my will.

At first I was afraid. The uniqueness of my experience prevented me to share it with anybody. I also thought that this must be the first step towards madness. I decided to keep my newfound ability as a secret.

Too many flying hours have been booked on my flight record so far. To my profound astonishment I found that the scenario around me looks totally different from top. I myself also am a different person on ground behaving absurdly. View from top had different visions. At the same time ground realities were trying to fix my legs on earth.

One day, in a meeting I was attending, this urge of flying came in to my mind. My colleague was telling me about non-completion of an activity since it doesn’t fall in line with his work. I was arguing with him that it was not my baby either. And suddenly ……whoooph !!! I flew in the air. The whole heated discussion between us seemed trivial. I saw from the top all those parentless babies, the responsibility of whom can’t be taken or won’t be taken by anyone, waiting for my care.

This sensation was wonderful. Here I was not punishing anyone – neither my colleague, nor my client, nor even myself. Rather, by attending such babies, the ultimate customer’s delight was my own delight. I was my own customer! The stupidity of the situation in the meeting hit me. It was not only stupid but also funny.

The other day, the Project Leader wanted to know the status of his project. I was, as always, in a hurry, this time to complete the targeted goals written in my appraisal within two-three days. I told him the fact earnestly that I am conceiving great value addition ideas and that I shall give him the required data within a couple of days. Exactly at that instant I was airborne. What was I doing? And what I was supposed to do? My internal customer was requesting me about something, which I must give. Perhaps I may be successful in decorating my appraisal form as well as impressing my bosses about my importance. Does that mean that I am doing my job? Immediately I apologized to him and gave him the required information. He must be wondering about the sudden change in me.

I was unaware about one thing initially. It came as a shock one day. Flying in air was only one aspect of my ability. But one day, while talking with my friend, I dived in to his mind and read the text written on the white and very big board of his mind –

“You are nuts, Milind. You consider yourself too smart. But actually you are a dumb and foolish fellow.”

“You are absolutely right.” – I replied.

My friend, visibly shaken, asked me about what I meant and I told him that what I meant was what he was thinking. It was fun seeing his contorted face.

At this stage I made a mistake to narrate my experience to one of my closest friends. He told me,

“This has some link with highest level of meditation. This is an extraordinary feat of separating your mind from your body. Very few people can achieve this state.” This was new to me. I never believed in such things. What troubled me further was admiration in his eyes about myself. He asked me,

“How do you do this?”

“Very simple”, I said, “just jump from the terrace of your house.”

The next moment I regretted of what I said, and corrected my statement.

“It means that just think that you are flying.”

I didn’t want any burden of guilt on my shoulders for the rest of my life.

This flying and reading one’s mind’s board has made me awkward many times. It is better not to describe it here. But it has also given me an insight of what I do and what is required to be done by me. Whether I fulfill the requirement or not is another matter. 

Scooter and Computer

My uncle got his Bajaj Vespa scooter in 1968. He immediately booked another scooter in the name of my father against the freed deposit for his scooter. Since 1975 onwards we began to follow-up for our number. It came in 1978. You may not realize the craze for Bajaj Scooter. Some one will say that it is foolishness to wait so long. Yes, it really is. In those days that Scooter didn’t have a real competition and hence business and behavior of that Company’s staff was very typical and which can be found in such monopolistic businesses.

My father took loan from a bank for Rs. 5000/- for the scooter.  We made plans for savings of Rs. 165/- per month to pay as monthly installment.

The scooter was a treasure for us who were habitual with the cycles. Everyday we used to clean it with water and soap solution. My father said that now at this stage he can’t learn the scooter, hence my brother or I used to take him wherever he wanted to go.

From my childhood days, I remember that I have a very restless curiosity when something is happening in some enclosures, like table watches, toy motors working either on spring or batteries, kitchen mixer, etc. All of these I have opened and sometimes successfully closed with the same results as expected from them.

This Scooter was calling me. At the same time I was also aware that I cannot touch it when my father is around. So I decided to open it on one Saturday morning when I had holiday and I came to know that he will be in Mumbai for a two day conference and will return back by Sunday evening. What a golden opportunity! I was waiting for it for the last 6 months. I also made lots of secret preparations, like various sizes of spanners, screw drivers, hammers, oil, and kerosene, two trays for keeping the dismantled parts and one dress for this occasion. I had also contacted one garage, in case of emergency, whose owner was father of my friends’ friend.

I was studying in a college in those days in a branch of engineering which they call as “mechanical”. This was the field which I liked most. There was one subject “Thermal Engineering” where I came across some words like Otto cycle, CI engine, Compression ratio, etc. I remember that there were questions like write a note on 2-stroke engine. I used to draw figures of the engine in sharp pencil and some arrows indicating vapor or exhaust flow with broad tipped sketch pens. Advantage was that the figure looked very decent but it also hid my knowledge level. This is only because whenever I used to see these diagrams in the books, I used to be in a very high level of meditation. Descriptions in my exam papers contained information like piston moves upwards, exhausts are driven out, second valve opens and fresh charge comes in, etc. Seeing my good marks, I always felt that I am good in everything.

The day arrived. I woke up relatively early. Two hours had already passed since my father had left for Mumbai through early morning train. I started my work near the side of our house wall. Somebody may misunderstand me when I say that I opened the scooter. The opening up was not like zipping down the pant chain. Normally such bonnet removals are done for minor operations like sparkplug cleaning or for clutch / gear cable changing.

Everything was on those two trays and a big wooden crate required unexpectedly and was available as leftover mango packing box. I took my lunch at 5.00 pm in the evening when I was fully satisfied by seeing and handling (i.e. understanding through fingers) each and every part. I was exhausted and still there was full one day tomorrow to assemble the scooter. Hence I stopped the work.

The next day I started for the assembly. There were various thousands of parts, but I didn’t face any much problem while assembling the major bulk components. But during assembly of small parts, like gear alignment through the cable movement, small nozzles and float in the carburetor, etc. At that time I didn’t know that it is called float. Nor I knew the function of any of those miscellaneous parts. The only thing I knew that being a mechanical engineer (which I became 3 years later), I had that tremendous confidence. It was 4.00 pm. Now that confidence also began to evaporate. Thinking that my father will come by 8.00 pm, I was desperate to finish off the task.  Unexpectedly my father came at 6.00 pm.

How should I face my father? He had always encouraged me to think innovatively. But that too has got some limit. Today I had crossed that limit.

He asked me as soon as he entered the gate, “What are you doing?”

“Repairing the scooter” – I tried to keep my face as normal as possible.

“Then why didn’t you call the garage?” – And then he came nearer and suddenly realized that this was a step above than the normal repair………. At that time I never understood what he must have felt. The worry of loan or the grief that he let his son grow in the wrong direction! I will never come to know.

I completed the assembly by midnight. He was also there with me. Then I kicked the scooter kick to start it. It got started in the first kick!!!

Hidden from my father were some parts, one gasket and some screws which I didn’t know where to fit. Those were also not required for next 15 years of the scooter life till we sold it. I should have handed over these to Bajaj for their value additions.

A few days passed. My father’s colleague’s scooter failed to start. He told him, “My son repairs scooters very well. I shall send him to you.”

Now I didn’t have the fear of opening the scooter. I don’t remember what I did to that scooter. Some spark plug cleaning, some air blowing through the super fine nozzle of the carburetor, some tightening of screws, some wiring loose connection checking, and it got started. Gradually there were calls from everywhere, thanks to my father and some of my friends who came to know about this adventure. Till today, I really do not know much about the scooter except the positions of its parts. To tell this truth also, it took me 30 long years. But every time I “repaired” the scooter, it got started.

---------- 000 ---------- 000 ----------

The work at factory was increasing and some times I needed to stay late in the Company. I thought one day, if I buy a Computer, I can work by staying at home.

I took loan of Rs. 60,000/- from the employees’ Society and purchased a latest Desktop with a Table-Chair and Glass Cupboard set. This was around 12 years back.

It had everything available in those days which a box can maximum accommodates. Now the work got easy. On holidays we used to see a movie too on this computer since the monitor screen was also big.

One day when I returned home from office, I saw that my son had opened the box of the computer with various circuit boards and wires on the floor.

“What are you doing?”

“I have opened the Computer” – my son, with so innocent face.

“I am seeing that. But why did you do this?”

“To see what is in this box”.

“Do you know anything about this?”

“Baba, I am studying in 1^st year and in few years I shall become Electronics Engineer. See, this is called as mother board. This is RAM strip of 512 MB. This is SMPS. This one is 1 GB Graphic Card. Don’t worry and don’t get angry with me. I shall assemble it perfectly.”

I was not in the listening mode. My loan of Rs. 60,000 flashed in my mind. I always tell all the people to think with their own heads. Same applies to my son and daughter. Then why he couldn’t think of this loan?

“Do not argue with me. If you are so confident, then assemble it and show me the working computer.”

After a few hours and some efforts, he showed me that the Computer was working perfectly.

“What is their in your hand?”

“One cable. I don’t know where it fits.

“See? That is why you shouldn’t have opened it.”

“But it is working.”

“Don’t tell me”

I just said this and then that incident happened 30 years back suddenly flashed in my mind. My son didn’t know why his father, who was angry just 30 seconds back, is hugging him and appreciating his work by saying -

“Very well assembled. Will you teach me some day how to assemble the computer?”

My friend Sanjeev’s computer was giving him trouble for some days. He shared this with me one day while going home from the Company bus. I told him that my son is studying Electronics Engineering and he is expert in hardware of computer and that I shall send him within a day. The next day Sanjeev told me how my son was able to find the fault accurately and repair his computer in only Rs. 50/- by replacing the faulty part. He was told by a computer repair shop that the repairs will cost Rs. 500/-

Today I proudly say that my son is master in repairing any electronic gadget.

Priorities in Life

It began raining in the morning when we started to go home from the shop. Nitin and me. The quarter end as well as the year end had forced us not to take a single day holiday since start of December. That day was 1^st April. We haven’t had the strength of realizing it. Hot water bath, two cups of hot coffee, omelet bread sandwich and 24 hours’ continuous sleep. These were the only thoughts. We were in the shop, continuously active since last 5 days (and obviously 4 nights) without sleep and sometimes without food. But hunger and thirst were secondary issues. We were foot soldiers in those days – me a shop engineer and Nitin a QAC engineer.

At midnight the last of the trucks had left and even though we were relaxed after that, we decided to go early in the morning. The rest of the night we couldn’t sleep and were very highly elated but with empty head.

I told Nitin to talk with me continuously while sitting at the back of my scooter till I drop him. His home was 2 km. ahead of mine and to travel a total of only 20 km from shop via scooter was the most difficult task on that day. Nitin was not only talking with me while I was driving the scooter but also was asking me some questions and expecting the answers! That way I was also alert. I shall never forget this goodness of his throughout of my life – for even though it was raining heavily at this odd day of odd season and even though it was morning, we were having bouts of sleep so frequently that we had lost the safety feeling to judge the other vehicles’ speed and to monitor my scooter’s speed.

This incident was one of many. My children never had me when they required me the most. My wife never showed me her un-satisfaction regarding meeting her expectations. My father and mother used to tell me to exert less.

But I was two feet above ground. We all employees were. We used to co-relate everything to our hard work. Rather we used to be perversely proud of our hardships. Even though the hardships of only very few got highlighted! Real blue collar people do not have marketing skills.

What is more important?

Many years have passed since then. Technological advances have revolutionized many old concepts. Job manufacturing cycle time is reduced to 1 month from 3 months or 10 second from 3 minutes. But astonishingly this concept of hard work is still prevalent in many industries. Now it has also entered in software industries where the whitest collars work.

Very accidentally I realized one thing one day. Actually through some accident! I asked myself a question: “If I am permanently disabled unfortunately while on the job (Oh God, never let this happen to me or anyone) or returning from the job, will the Company I am working with will take care of me for the rest of my life?”

Once I was out of the shock of the answer I derived myself through some experiences, I decided to shape up my life through MY OWN INTERVENTION and move further.

My uncle, who was shifted to Pune from our native place due to heart attack, was admitted in the hospital and I had taken a forced leave for hospital visits and help. When he began to feel better, I joined my duties after 8-10 days. In the mean while the impression spread in the Company I was working then (by someone) was that I am not interested in the job. This is very painful. Unfortunately my uncle expired after 10-15 days at our home in the morning. I got the information (there were no mobiles then like the ones we use today) late in the evening since I was at Vendor’s place. One of my best friends Jaypramod brought me home. I loved my uncle. I remember remembering then how he used to take me to Panchgani on scooter and how he helped my brother to get settled.

One greatest change in my life happened in me on that day. Through shock! I lost my fear. Fear of anything. Fear of small things. Like fear of crossing the road, fear of talking, fear of laughing, fear of opposing the boss, fear of taking the decisions, fear of that Almighty God and mainly fear of death.

What small issues we take and fight within ourselves continuously? Here “we” may mean anything – from an individual to a country.

I began to express anything boldly thinking every day to be the last one within any given frame. On the contrary I was appreciated for my confidence, for my words, for my frankness, for my trustworthiness, etc. etc. and what not.

Lastly I want to conclude on one very important aspect in our life coming now and then. Time Management (and hence Stress Management). In one phase of some years I was extremely busy. If someone approached me, I used to tell him, “I don’t have even a minute to talk with you, let us discuss tomorrow.” So many phones, so many paper works, so many meetings, and so many new responsibilities, how should I derive time? Sometimes I used to take lunch at 3.00 pm and the other times I used to take too much workload at home to complete it by night or if controllable, used to stay late. The cleverest of some guys used to talk with me on phone.

One person in particular took advantage of this situation. He wanted to arrange some meeting with one external agency to tackle some problems of IT and used to tell everyone that he couldn’t arrange the meeting because I am busy. One day my boss told me to arrange that meeting and categorically to say every one that I am free and anybody can approach me at any time. This solved many teething problems of mine. The IT meetings after that declaration were postponed because the external agency didn’t have the time. Even if someone contacted me when I was busy, I used to tell him that I shall contact him at 2.52 pm. And then I really used to do that.

This also gave birth to many new inventions. I don’t remember when this thought came in my mind first. It is the most simple and the most effective way of time management. I decided that I shall work only for 5 hours a day as a routine work and 3 hours will be strictly mine. Many times this does not happen. But this gave me an opportunity to always be on the lookout for shortcuts and effectivities.

Today I say that I am always free no matter what the work conditions are.  Every evening I also go in a garden along with my wife, mother and daughter for a walk - I used to feel it a luxury once upon a time.

I know you will be there

It was decided. The date was fixed. 10^th November 2008. (the date is fictitious – but then what is in a date?). I got admitted in the hospital. It is a very good multi-storied, multi-speciality hospital. But that is not all. There are a few special breed of doctors who are associated with it right from its inception. They do not crush the patient with their mere presence. One immediately feels at ease. These doctors have made the hospital’s foundation very strong.

The doctor operating on me is of that type. Very accidentally he utters the technical words. If he meets you on a bus stand or in a restaurant, you will very easily begin conversation with him and he, with his reactions and responses, will make you at ease. But he is also an extra-ordinary surgeon. And he is human. Someday, more about him.

The time of operation was 12 Noon and I reached hospital at 7.00 am sharp as was told. The best indication about the homely feel is when you observe that nobody is following the time. I was on bed by 8.30 am which by any standards is a good achievement.

At around 9.30 am when I was reading a newspaper in a totally relaxed way, my concentration got disturbed by a question “How are you?”

“I am fine.” – Reflexively my answer went. Then I saw.

There she was.

With big spectacles. And a very big smile on her face.  A very very sweet face with sparkling intelligent eyes. Surreal but Nice! (Please see the movie “Noting Hill” to understand the meaning of ‘Surreal but Nice’)

“Have you eaten anything since morning?”

“Not since yesterday night.”

“Good. You will be taken inside by 11.00 am. I am going to assist the main doctor in this surgery. Prior to that I went through all your pre-operation medical reports. They are okay. Don’t worry much about the operation.”

“I am not worrying since I am accustomed with the procedure. I have exposed myself to many operations in the past.” – and I explained her the nature of earlier operations.

“Then the task becomes more easy. You will go home in next 2 days.”

This was the first interaction between us.

In the operation theater, just before loosing my sense under the influence of sedatives, I thought that I saw her - though there was a big mask on her face.

That day it took longer for me to recover through the nausea caused by the ether in my body system. Hence I don’t remember much about who came and what I talked. Once I asked to my wife, “Where is she?” My wife thought that I am enquiring about our daughter and I didn’t have the mental strength to organize my thoughts and put them up in an unobtrusively logical way.

The next day she entered the room at 9.30 in the morning. My wife had just left to home and my daughter was there in the room.

“How are you feeling?”

“Excellent”

“Is there any pain?”

“No, not much”

“I know about the pain – even though you are telling me this.”

One simple flat statement, and I opened up. I told her about this pain and that pain while shifting positions at night in sleep. I told her that I didn’t want to tell her much about the pains since I have assumed that they will be there for some time till I become normal. I don’t remember much about any other nonsense I uttered. Later, I didn’t have the daring to ask my daughter too.

Suddenly I asked, “Were you there inside during operation?”

“Yes. I assisted it. It is a very good surgery.”

“You saw it all?”

“Yes”.

I don’t know why I felt suddenly awkward. What did she see? It is the greatest draw-back I have. I can’t hide my thoughts. Anybody can read me. And how can I escape from these sparkling eyes?

Women have that tremendous sense which men don’t. Sensing this awkwardness, she immediately left.

Again she came the next day at 9.30 am. I was waiting. What is becoming of me? She enquired, as usual, about any problems I faced in past 24 hours. I told her the progress I had made. That morning at 6.00 am I had walked 3 rounds on that 5^th floor of the hospital! Definitely it must be an achievement since I saw the admiration in her eyes.

One unexpected burst in my mind – is she also eager to come in my room and talk? This day I was sensing the sparks. I was sensing them in both the directions. My this feeling cannot be described properly in words since we have been taught and groomed from generation to generation to think only towards a specific direction for given stimulii. At that instant I felt to hug her and kiss her. I even began to frame my question “Is it weird to tell you that I have the urge to hug you?” Originally this question type was not mine, it was borrowed from the movie “In the land of women”.

The question remained in my mind. Instead I asked, “May I ask your name? I haven’t asked so far”.

“I am Dr. …………… and I work as a Surgeon in this hospital” She told me her name.

What is it in the name? Even if it is XYZ?

“Today by 12 Noon you will get discharged”.

I was on flat earth, on my cot in my room.

“Right. Very good. I too am eager to go home.”

“You take care for next two weeks. Don’t lift weights for next three months. Also don’t drive a 2 wheeler within this period.”

I was trying to prolong the conversation.

“When should I come to remove the stitches?”

“The main doctor will visit you today and he will tell you the date. But it will be one week from today”

There came this point when there was no further conversation and she left.

The next week I went to the hospital and got the stitches removed. I saw her the last time on that day. She gave a note to me for preparing the certificate in another department for joining period as required by me to be given in my Company. It was an extremely busy day with a churn out of lots of patients in the OPD and we both didn’t have the time to talk.

Today, after so many months later, when I think of this whole episode, I feel that whatever happened, it must be in my mind and necessarily one sided. She must be doing her duty and her behavior must be the same everywhere. I felt that it is special for me, and only for me. I became selfish. We met only four times and the talk was very normal, as it should be.

Many of us must have experienced that some times when we are under too much stress, someone elderly recognises this, comes near us and just pat us to show that 'he understands'. The relief we feel is tremendous!

She had that rare something, similar to that pat, which made my days as special ones.

Where ever you are, I know that you will be there whenever I need you the most.

Why the Blog? It is the freedom sought for expression.

It is my intention to express what comes in mind. But at the root of it, it is a search. A search of HE, THE, etc. etc. - that entity which is often talked about, not seen but sometimes realised. The last but not the least, it is nothing but the search of all the human beings who are always there and often overlooked because they are there.